Poop in a matchbox

The Ministry of Labor requires that I get a health checkup annually. No problem. What do I have to do? I have to have a blood test, give a urine sample and a stool sample. Hmmm…I have never had to produce a stool sample. What if I can’t “produce” on demand at the health center? No problem, they tell me. “Just bring it in a matchbox.”

Wait, what?

“Yes, all you mus do is carry it in a matchbox.”

Hahahaha…are you serious? I think that, since they obviously don’t provide a container, I will use an empty plastic yogurt container. That seals up nice and tight!

“Dem no goin accept it! If you no carry it in a matchbox, dem no goin take it!”

What?! That’s insane! How am I supposed to crap in a matchbox?”

…and to answer my question, the other hefty lady who was listening proceeded to give me a pantomimed demonstration in the kitchen.
“Asi, mire” Like this, watch she said, as she made a wrapping motion with her hands. Take some toilet paper and put it on the floor. Then stand over it like this… and she turned around to face me and squatted her 200lb+ frame over her pretend pile of tp…      and sat there for an uncomfortable, staring moment…   Then you tbbpbtppbt. She stepped to the side, admired her pretend creation and said, “I will give you a disposable spoon.” She scooped with her pretend spoon. So, you take a little piece and put it in your matchbox. Wrap that in toilet paper and llevarla a la clinica.

“But not too much,” the first lady said. “If you have too much, the box no goin close.”

Right. But, what if I have diarrhea?

Poised with the same serious face she had since the beginning of the conversation, the woman said, “Well you mus run wif it den.”

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One Response to “Poop in a matchbox”

  1. Ms Beauty Soul27 January, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    bwahahaha! I was thinking the same thing. How a stool gonna fit in a matchbox? That is too funny. Imagine by the time you got there you’d just be left with a wet brown soggy matchbox. ewwww!

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